BETA After BETA with 2 Ultrasounds on the Side

As in my last post we got the surprise of a first BETA that was 25! My second jumped to a 112. My RE was expecting to see about a 50, so that was exciting! At that point I still was in shock and denial that I was even pregnant. Around came BETA 3 with a 202. Not too bad... it just about doubled.  Then 456 in just over doubling... "Maybe I'm pregnant after all," I'm thinking. BETA number 5 was at a 996. This is where their concern came in. At that point they were expecting to see at least a 2000. That voice in the back of my head is freaking out... "Is there something wrong?" Then the final BETA of 1764... still not even doubled from the previous. My nerves are on edge right now.

4 days after that last BETA was the first ultrasound. Right about then, according to the transfer date, I should have been about 6 1/2 weeks. The ultrasound showed 1 embryonic sac measuring 5 weeks 5 days. Doctor seemed concerned I was measuring so far being. The yolk was barely measurable since it wasn't very definitive and a baby wasn't visible enough to get a crown to rump measurement.

4 days later (yesterday) we went back again for another ultrasound to see if there was any progress at all. At this point I should have been a couple days past my 7 week. There should definitely be a heartbeat, even if it was a faint one, a heartbeat would be good to hear. This is what we saw...

The same 1 embryonic sac measuring now 5 weeks 4 days, still a not very definitive yolk sac and still no baby measurement. RE stated at this point, there shiuld be a 1/2 inch baby that should be easy to find and measure and with a heartbeat. We came up woth the same issues. Couldn't measure a baby and still no heartbeat. Right as the doctor left the room, my IM and I held each other for a good while sobbing.

Before we left, I got another BETA just to see where the numbers were. Now mind you, this is over a week since my last BETA, so I should be well above 10,000 ... my BETA was 2714. Again not even doubled from over a week ago.

If it had been lower than my number a week ago, my IPs would have felt it would be best to follow doctor's orders in stopping support (PIO) and allowing me to pass this pregnancy naturally without a d&c needed. Since the number is still higher they are asking me to continue support until after the holidays to keep the pregnancy sustained in hopes to have that glimmer of a hope and miracle to possibly happen. My next ultrasound will be January 3rd. 2 weeks will be a long enough time to for sure either see progress or not.

BETA #1

I've been taking hpt since the day of the tramsfer so I could see the positive the moment it appeared. By day 9, I had given up hope. All my results were negative up until that point. Learning that 3 different surrogates that went through a 3 day embryo transfer, had gotten their positives 5.5 (triplets), 7.5, and 8.5 days after their transfer, was my reasoning in why I had given up hope. Tuesday was BETA day. I had gone into the lab at 6:30n and then later called my IVF nurse to let her know I was expecting a negative result and to prepare to break bad news again to my IPs. Around 12:30 I got a call from my nurse saying it was positive! It is only a 25, but it's still pregnant! Right after that call (and the many others that followed), I went into the vathroom to take a digital first response so I could send a pic to my IPs and saying congrats, only for it to result in a big fat "NO -"... "FU," I thought, and threw it in the trash. I mustered up some more pee for one last attempt with a regular 2 pink line first response. The line was so faint that it wouldn't show up on a picture... way to ruin my plans... either way I'm excited and still a bit in shock that it was positive after I was so set on it being a failed cycle! Hoping and praying my numbers keep going up the way they are supposed to :)

Long Time No See...

Hello everyone! Wow it's been quite some time huh?

Since my last post, our transfer turned out to be a failed cycle. We had some complications.  Our of the 7 embryos only 3 made it to transfer day after the thaw, in which we transferred 2, one being a blastocyst.

We had 2 months of BCP before starting our next cycle. This cycle is a fresh one! IM was a bit discouraged this time, but we both keep in mind that the "third times a charm". This is her third egg retrieval and my third cycle. At first they only found 3 follicles so that was another basis for her discouragement. 3 grew to 5, which then grew to 7, which then grew to more! There were a total of 7 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. 1 stopped growing so we only had 3 left to work with by day 3.

Our RE stresses the importance of blastocysts and 5 day transfers and no more than 2 embryos on transfer and all that jazz. That's just how they roll. They wanted to go out of their protocol. Since he has been doing this for over 30 years, I trust his judgement. He said he just has a gut feeling and just knows when going out of protocol is what may work for his patients. With my IPs history of their embryos not enjoying the petri dish, he wanted to go with a 3 day transfer, letting them feel comfy in their surroundings as to encourage them to keep growing.

Another break of protocol he was very confident about was transfering all 3 instead of 2. He confessed he normally discourages it highly,  and he had not transferred 3 in many years. He felt the 2 8-celled (assisted hatched) and 1 7-celled (not assisted hatched) would result in a strong singelton or at very most twins (their preference). Again, this is not something I'd advise normally, but at the moment I felt as though it may be the right thing. So if anyone has any negative comments about my going along with 3 embryos, please do not waste your breath or time typing it up. I talked with my IPs as well with my husband and we were all in sync with thoughts and feelings, and honestly that's all that matters.

Right now we are 4 days into our 2ww. I've tested every single day since the transfer, including ON transfer day lol I'm well aware the test will show up negative no matter what the actual result is, but I want to have a comparison like last time, even though last time was all negatives. It is November 19th, only 7 more days until our BETA. It's scheduled for November 26th (2 days before thanksgiving! )... wouldn't it be great to give my IPs something to be thankful for on thanksgiving?

On another note, I'm extremely weary. I was to be excited, but don't want to be set up for disappointment again if this is another failed cycle.

Transfer Day!

It's finally here! I can't believe it! It felt like it would never come! After making the long trek to the office, we finally invited 2 beautiful embies into their new condo. IM doesn't want mw to share thw at home test results because she is worried about maybe false positives or negatives. So I will be keeping it to myself :) But so excited! I can't believe our first Beta is in only 8 days! Yikes! I hope I can keep my mind busy so I dont go crazy. Looks like lots of crafys and sewing in this next week for me :D

So today I wore a pair of my lucky socks that a friend Christina gave me for my appointment. Last week those lucky socks showed a 12.67mm lining. Finger crossed for my wonderful IPs and their little miracle

5 More Days

Yesterday was the estrogen and lining check. My estrogen level was at 527 so I got to bump my vivelle patches down from 4 to 2. Yipee!

On another note, I started those dreadful PIO shots which weren't too bad. They looks worse than they really are :)

Annnnnnnnd..... FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL TRANSFER! We will be transferring 2 5 dayers! Super excited!

Suppressed!

Moving Along Nicely

Wow I've been slacking big time! So here's all that I've forgotten to mention in the past weeks: contracts are done, BCP isstarted and finished, and Lupron has been started.

My last BCP was this past Saturday (2 days ago), so I'm just waiting for good old AF to show up again so we can have a date with the lovely TV ultrasound wand for the suppression check. :/ IM is excited and wants to join this appointment and have lunch afterward. I can't wait to see her again.

Uncontracted and Contracted!

We just received our official release from the old contract. We signed it, got it notarized, and overnighted it back to the attorney! The old IPs need to now sign and notarize it. Once they do that, I will be UNCONTRACTED with them, and the attorney will start drafting up a new contract with the new IPs. I won't be uncontracted for long...!!! YAY! New IM is super excited to order meds! I can't believe in just a couple months, we will be right where I left off! It seems like forever, but I think we found our perfect match and this will be so great! NEW CONTRACTS HERE WE COME!

Unofficial Schedule

It's unofficial, but its a guideline and that's good enough to get me hyped! I spoke with my lovely IVF nurse today. I'm going to be working with that awesome RE office that I love so much, which means my beloved IVF nurse Amy is now (again) my new BFF. Haha. She says we will be starting a new BCP around the end if June. A few weeks later I should start Lupron. We are aiming for a mid-August transfer. I'm excited!!! Although I was secretly hopeful for July, I supposed one more month isn't going to kill us :) So here we go.... Next step, psych.

In the Flesh

We finally had our face-to face today. I brought along my whole family (kids and hubby) so they could get to know them a little and see who they are really dealing with as a whole. My kids took to them well, except the crabby boy... nap time and this meeting were butting heads and he was a little on the tired side. But the good news is that he slept on the way home.

I went to bed last night feeling a little sick, and woke up with a stiff neck, sore throat, and aching back. I thought that would affect me, but I had such a wonderful time with them that at times I barely felt it.

So it's official... they want to "knock me up"... GOSH I JUST LOVE THEIR PERSONALITIES!

Maybe Meeting My Future!

What an eventful weekend and upcoming week for me!

Friday, I was called by the attorney's office telling me to expect some calls this weekend from potential new IPs!

First thing Saturday, I got call from IM #1, I'll call her M. It was a brief introduction with a Skype later on. We agree on a lot, so that's a good start. The situation with M, caught me a little off guard. After talking with women in my support group, I feel a little better about it. M and her husband have chosen to go with 2 surros to get the 2 baby (almost like twins, but not really), without the health risks to surro or babies that a multiple pregnancy could have. I haven't decided yet whether being a "sister surro" is a good or bad thing. It's definitely interesting, that's for sure.

Sunday (today), I waited all day for a call from IM #2, I'll call her L. It started getting late, when I started thinking, "Maybe they found a surro they know 100% they want to go with and changed their mind about me", "Maybe they just were busy", "Maybe they forgot", "Maybe they decided not to go a surro route, and changed their mind"... After talking to my fellow surro P about it, she calmed my nerves. Then, suddenly, my phone rings! We did a quick introduction. They were busy and wanted to make sure to call me but wanted to set up a face-to-face meeting, which we will do Wednesday. I don't want to say too much just yet or ask too many questions because one will lead to another, then we will have nothing do talk about on Wed.

So, we are getting somewhere. I'm so excited to be meeting these two wonderful families, learning about their unique stories, and thinking about possibly being a part of their amazing journey. Hurry up Wednesday, so I can officially get to meeting L and her husband!

What a Special Week... NIAW

This is the very first day is a week that is one of the few things I hold dear to my heart. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This is to all you wonderful women out there. I have met so many of you great ladies. There are so many reasons out there for couples to experience the heartbreak of infertility.

Imagine yourself in your childhood.... And that ONE thing you always dreamed you would do or become when you grew up, was one day told to you may not be possible. How would you feel seeing everyone around you achieving YOUR dream effortlessly, taking it for granted, complaining about it as though it was a curse? Next time, before you open your mouth, think about how YOU would feel?

I may have explained this in one of my first blog entries. I was one of those children that just wanted to be a mom when I got older, so the thought of this not happening in my future, hurt me so deep inside. I had friends having abortions all around me when I was in high school. During this time, I had one of those type of people that doesn't think before he talks, as a Gyno. I had some questions and was hoping I could confide in him to give me some medical answers. Not that I wanted to be a teen mother, but after a first "oops", then a second, and third.... you get the point... I still was not pregnant. I felt maybe there could be something wrong. His reply wasn't what any other doctor had said years later down the road ("Maybe your body just wasn't ready or mature enough at that point" or "Maybe the 'oops moments' weren't at the right timing during ovulation"). Instead, I heard from him, "You probably just can't have kids." Those words crushed me. They kept echoing in my head. Not just the words but the nonchalant way they were said. At that moment, I was walking in those shoes, the same shoes thousands of women walk in daily. And this is one of the main reasons I have chosen to become a surrogate, among many. 

And while I'm heading in this direction, here's to hoping my release will be signed by Monday as anticipated, so I can get to meet a new couple! And what great timing... what better week to meet someone new?

Here is a blog I follow regularly. A woman named Christa, and her wonderful blog entry on this special week. It's very informative. I hope you will check it out. It may help some get a better glimpse from the other side.
http://rollercoasterridetoparenthood.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-face-of-infertility.html?showComment=1366586194518#c4088891849739925878

Just a little bit more.... WAITING!

LOVE LOVE LOVE the waiting game. Have I ever mentioned that I am NOT a very patient person to begin with... THIS IS KILLING ME!!!

I just got off the phone with the attorney. She STILL (after 2 weeks) has not heard from the (in the legal process of...) "Former" IP's attorney. She had sent over a small little formal release that she typed 2 weeks ago and emailed to their attorney. All he had to do was read the small paragraph and tell them to sign it. I can't officially MOVE ON to another couple without it, even though we have a verbal and written statements releasing me from my contract. Boy, oh boy.

On the positive side, I did talk to her a little about some things. Reminding her that every day that passes of me waiting, feels like a whole week. These 9+ weeks of waiting has felt like an eternity!

Changing the subject just a little, I'm super thrilled to meet new IPs! I really can't wait to get moving again in the process. And my attorney says she can't wait to introduce me to a family that is perfect for me.... again.... THRILLED! **To my future IPs, I can't wait to meet you!!! EEKS!**

And now I'm changing the subject once more to something completely un-related... I'm also really excited to be part of a lucky socks package exchange. I started shopping immediately after I got my email. This is for women trying to conceive. Although, I will be conceiving for someone else and in a couple months, I was just happy to be able to send another woman a package to encourage, empower, and lift her spirits. So this exchange came at a perfect time. I know, I know, if Chelsea (the coordinator) found this out she may yell at me haha, buuuuuuuut I used eBay Bucks along with PayPal money I earned and didn't count it toward the $20 I'm supposed to spend on the package... OOPS... actually NOT oops... I was just excited and there was more and more stuff I wanted to put in there so I limited it to the essentials (which I'm guessing cost maybe twice as much as what I'm supposed to spend). I just had to get that off my chest... BOY that felt amazing! Now SHHH don't say anything, that's our secret!

Little Itsy Bitsy Steps

Boy, oh boy. Here I am in my journey, waiting for my almost FIPs to sign the release that was drafted and sent to their attorney last week. Even though we have gotten a verbal and a written, my attorney would like to have this specific paper signed, notarized, and in her hands before introducing me to new IPs. My guess is that it will be signed by Wednesday or Thursday and I will get the attorney's confirmation call on Friday. I still really am just sitting around playing the waiting game still. It's been a waiting game for over 8 weeks now. This has really tested me and hopefully improved my impatience. I'm really thrilled to meet new potential IPs. I've gotten a brief description over the phone last week, and I just can't wait to meet them. I have my questions modified and typed up and ready to go. So really, no progress from my last blog entry, but some slight new news. I just hate the fact that I think about it every day and it makes my days seem to drag. I've been working on a monster blanket for one of my fertility family members. She isn't choosing to find out the sex but has decided to have a monster themed nursery. I've been trying to pace myself so I don't finish it in a week, and to keep my mind occupied. I've also been making nursing covers, bows, and some other things.

The Release

I spoke with my attorney this morning and I am officially legally released of my contract. It has been over SEVEN weeks since the cancelled transfer. I was sad by the news but I sort of knew in my heart that would be the outcome. So this week I have the task of meeting 2 new sets of IPs this week. From their brief description, I'm thrilled to meet both, and I'm hoping that there is a connection with one of them. This will be very tough if there is a connection with both... But my excitement is back and I'm so eager to begin again

Milestone 6 Months

It's pretty amazing that just over 6 months ago I was calling my adoption/surrogacy attorney's office for the first time. The time seemed to be going by so slow, but it's been 6 months... HALF A YEAR ALREADY!! My days seem to be going by slowly still, but I have taken on the challenge or making something pretty cute for a lady in my Fertility Family. I'm waiting for the rest of the starting supplies to come in the mail. It's a super exciting project for me and for sure will keep me busy.

It's been a week since I last talked to someone at the attorney's office. I was hoping to have a call by today but no such luck. I think I will wait until Friday before I call them. It seems like every time I call, I'm thinking "just another week", "it won't be too much longer", "they have to be close to knowing what they want to do by now".... only to get the "no news" card. I'm at the point of sort of feeling defeated. I was so optimistic and happy and so beyond ready for each and every next step (minus that dreadful PIO needle that I quickly learned wasn't too bad once I iced the area and warmed the PIO needle first). But at this point, I'm losing steam. I'm hoping that by keeping busy I will unexpectedly get a call with some sort of news. I guess we will just need to see what is in store for me on Friday when I make yet another call to the attorney's office to get more info on where we are at.

This week marks 5 whole weeks of no contact at all from IM. Seems to me that a decision has been made already.... just an observation....

No News is Good News... Right...?

I called the attorney today to see if they had found out any word since it has been about a month of no word or decision from my IPs. They said they have heard from them. They had some personal issues they needed to get past first and haven't much discussed it because of it. So basically... no news. But that's can't be ALL bad right? No news is good news... right? It's just killing me waiting, on the edge of my seat, hoping every day that goes by, I may have that call from the attorney, the RE office, or even my IPs themselves with a decision. A lot of women in my Fertility Family are at the point of taking at home tests and getting their BETAs and ultrasounds. It saddens me a bit to feel like at this point, I would have already had my BETAs and we should be going to our first ultrasounds around now-ish. I'm extremely happy for everyone that is progressing in their journeys, I'm just a little down that right at the last possible second, our journey had been called off and now a month later, I'm left hanging here not knowing at all what our future in this journey will be. I'm rooting for my IF and his desire to continue, and empathize with all the heartache my IM is feeling. I just deep down feel as though, they have detached themselves from me emotionally this past month since I have not heard a word at all, and that is completely not usual for us. My attorney says not to text them and to let them come around when they feel comfortable, but this past month has been killing me. I've been aching to at least send a text their way to let them know they are in my thoughts. I guess only time will tell. I will try to keep myself busy in the meantime to help the time pass a little quicker. It's been excruciatingly slow, like watching paint dry. But no news can be good news... right???

3 Week Update

It's been exactly 3 weeks from the date of the bad news. I don't have much of an update. I still haven't heard from my IPs, my IVF nurse, or my attorney with any new informations. As of right now, all I know of is that my IPs are still trying to come to an agreement on trying again or not. I'm still hoping to hear from them. Each and every day that passes, each and every time my phone rings, I hope and pray they have made a decision and are at peace with the decision they came up with.

Hope

I guess things happen for a reason. I'm so glad I didn't have to be sick and pregnant for today. I've been trying to remain positive today since it is the 2 year anniversary of the day one of my sweet, talented, hilarious, amazing best friends lost her battle with leukemia and earned her angel wings. Seeing the posts on her Facebook of others saying they miss her and me going through old photos of her or photos she took (photography was her passion), I can't help but be overwhelmed with tears. I remember her telling me when she was pregnant with her 3rd baby and her husband and her goofing about how they were going to have 10 babies. She was one of the most amazing mothers I have ever met. This is to you my sweet angel who never gave up hope while fighting cancer and holding on to hope of beating it and holding her precious baby... And to other amazing mothers, moms-to-be, fur baby moms, step-moms, aspiring moms... Don't ever give up hope. And just because things don't turn out how you planned, doesn't mean your journey or story didn't touch someone's life, or that it was in vain. Just as some of you may not have things go exactly as planned, God still has a plan for you. Just like our friend Cynthia. She planned on beating cancer, holding her baby Deklin, and being with her family in her happily ever after. She does hold her baby Deklin, but up in heaven as she smiles and watches down on all her loved ones.

When There is a Desire...

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. There have been a few reasons for this. But I apologize to anyone that reads that has been wondering what was going on.

As I mentioned in my last post, we got some bad news on Saturday (almost 2 weeks ago) that the embryos didn't make it. And today would have been the day i went in for my BETA. We have all been saddened and heart broken by this news. My IPs are at a disagreement at this time. One of the is so distraught that they don't want to endure that again, while the other wants to try at least once more soon. If both can get on the same page soon, I will know where I'm going but for now I will be in limbo waiting to hear from them. I know it is not an easy decision and definitely not one that needs to be rushed. If they choose to try again, I will gladly try again, however, if they decide that one more try is not what they wish to do, I will be sad they gave up so close to their dream, but respect their decision.

These past almost 2 weeks have gotten through with kind words from C and P (2 lovely ladies from my fertility family). One rooting me on and the other reminding me that it happens and it will all be ok in the end, and that this should be a time to "pamper" myself. I have to constantly remind myself that if they choose for this to be the end of their journey, it most certainly isn't the end of mine. I will move on to helping another family become complete. Pink's "Try" lyrics keep playing over and over in my head... "Where there is a desire, there's gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try, and try, and try..."

Mourning

I have been keeping myself busy hoping to pass the time so the transfer date could come sooner. Well I just got an upsetting phone call from my ivf nurse maybe an hour ago with the news. All them embryos didn't make it and the transfer was cancelled. I'm deeply saddened for my IPs. I haven't spoken with them yet. Not to be confused with me not caring...I want to how them time to mourn and heal before making a decision on moving forward and I feel talking about it too soon may only make those wounds just a little deeper and hurt just a little more. This horrible news has had me in tears and I'm just ready to go to bed and hope this is all an awful dream I will wake up from. I hope this doesn't knock them down and burry their home and dreams of completing their family. I'm still there for them no matter how many tries it takes. I just want to say, if you're out there and maybe are reading this, I love you guys so much and I am here for you. Keep your heads up.

Dates and Tests

I got the call today with definite dates! Egg retrieval shall for sure be on Thursday! And looks like my Tuesday is going to be a super busy day. I have my daughter's eye doctor appointment at 8:30. And after I drop her off at school I head to my awesome RE office for our transfer!!! This is all so exciting! I better get my tests lined up and ready (yes...All 15 I couldn't help but buy early and I'm so glad I did). My surro friends say they have seen results on home tests 4-7 days after their 5 day transfer. So looks like ill be starting on the 3rd day to hopefully see progression. Fingers crossed for a big fat positive to surprise my wonderful IPs with

Estrogen Check... Check

Today I had my Estrogen check appointment. First off, I just want to say that I absolutely love my RE doctor. He is so sweet and personable. So when he walked into the room where I'm sitting on the exam table waiting for my TV ultrasound, he comes in, completely positive and in his usual good mood and says "lets check out the condo". Haha Gosh I love this guy. So now my uterus is now a condo. Awesome. I love it. Anyway, We have good news. My estrogen is at 512 and my lining is measuring in at a lovely 12.36 mm. Egg retrieval should be on Friday which means I will be lowering my estrogen patches to 2 from the current 4 and I will be stopping my lupron and starting my progesterone. Yippee. I'm excited its moving quick (not too much for the progesterone shots though). If we have retrieval on Friday, our transfer will be on next Wednesday! It's a little later than originally expected but I'd rather them take a little longer to develop than to rush for a deadline. So grow little follies, grow!

On a more personal note, on to how I FEEL. I've only really talked about seeing today through my eyes like Being John Malkovich. So here it is. I'm exhausted today. My days where I visit my most amazing RE and his wonderful team, I drive about 4 hours each way (total of 8 hours driving). And today I'm feeling very bloated. I feel as though I look pregnant when I'm not. I usually feel this way before my cycle starts, so I guess that part isn't too far off, except I feel slightly more bloated than usual. It may be a side effect to this lovely estrogen.

End of January Update

Things are falling lovily into place (yes I just made that word up and I really like it and may use it in the future). We have our estrogen check in 3 whole days! Where they will check my blood for my estrogen levels and another IV ultrasound, which I'm guessing will be checking my lining. Pretty sweet. I hear the meds are going well for the egg retrieval. Which is more amazing news. The retrieval will be after my estrogen check and if all goes to according to plan, our transfer will be on February 4th... Only 11 more days! Almost in the single digits for the count down!!

Ok so on another note I want to share how awesome my kids are for a second. My girls are 4 and 6 and they are well aware mommy is going to hold onto our IPs' baby and let him grow inside me and give him back. And even though they are a little sad we won't get to keep a baby, they understand our IPs want their baby back. So my 4 year old asks me this morning when I'm going to swallow their baby and asked me to please not chew because it could hurt the baby. And my 6 year old asks if she can stay in the hospital with me when I "poop" their baby out. Gosh I just love their innocence and sweetness. I think that's all I am sharing today

Transfer is Creeping Closer and Closer

Tomorrow I up my dose of Estrogen one last time to 4 patches before the transfer... which by the way is only 13 days away!! Last day of the "teens" countdown, and LESS than 2 weeks!! These past few weeks of having to tie up details has seemed to drag, but it seems like we are in the home stretch now. I really can't even begin to describe in words how thrilled I am. I'm hoping if our one embie sticks! Ok so since thrilled doesn't even begin to touch my enthusiasm, let me tell you... I went out and bought home pregnancy test (10 of them by the way) back in NOVEMBER! And then bought 5 more yesterday! haha yes... a bit excited to say the least! Not to mention I'm getting my maternity clothes lined up and ready to go... washed... folded... placed out in an easy to access place. I know I will not be using those for even MONTHS after the tests, but this is how excited I am. My IPs are SO ready to do this. It's just the waiting game. I don't play this game very well. I find more things to do when I have to wait. Like purchase another maternity clothing item, or another test, maybe some breast milk storage bags, maybe a maternity support belt, a new pump... (and yes all of which I have already purchased during this waiting game). If this doesn't show my enthusiasm, then I don't know what will. There's nothing wrong with being prepared right...?

So I've mentioned before I've met some lovely ladies that are cycling near me. I joined a support group in which I THOUGHT would have been where I found some cycle buddies, and maybe even some close to me. I have and there is this one (I'll call her P) that is really great and supportive and is a little ahead of me at this point. I've also met some other cycle buddies through InstaGram... Not exactly where I thought I'd meet such great ladies, but I heart them. I met some other surros/gestational carriers and some IMs themselves. This is such a wonderful moment in our lives and we are all going through it together, even though each of us has a slightly different story or experience. Even if they are just sharing their story to be able to vent it out to feel like they don't have to bottle up their joy or frustrations or dosappointments, I still love hearing about each and every one of them. As I told one earlier, we all can use more cheerleaders than debbie downers right now. This is such a complex event in all of our lives, yet it is so delicate and emotional. I get so excited to hear about progress with them, and so upset to hear bad news as well. I feel as though, in some way they are sort of like a branch of family. We will call them my "fertility family", not just my "surro sisters" because some of these lovely women do not need surros, some of them do need a surro, and some of them are surros themselves. I never thought I would feel this way about strangers, and maybe it's the hormones talking but I love this "fertility family" that is ever growing and changing. What an amazing unexpected support group of wonderful women that I have in my life. LOVE YOU ALL... you know who you are if you're reading this... PS I won't leave out my spectacular family and friends that have been amazing from day one with being supportive and interested in our journey.

So back to my journey for a second, 13 more days!!!! AHHH! And I'm sure I will be taking a test every day after transfer! EEKS! Can't wait... ok so I can wait for the intramuscular shots, but when that time comes, I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up because the end result will be entirely worth every second!

Hormones, Why Yes I Do Remember You!

Today we upped my Estrogen. I'm on a simple patch and I love it. It's a little sticker called the Vivelle Dot and you put it below your belly button, but above the pubic area, and switch it out every other day. Now if all meds could be this simple... haha

18 more days until our transfer! I can't believe the countdown is now in the teens! I'm so excited and hopeful that baby will stick. I'm also very anxious about taking tests. I have been reading stories of other surrogates and how they delivered the good news. I know my IPs are very realistic, so faint positives will be fantastic, while they won't put all their eggs in one basket until we see a dark, very BIG FAT positive. And I absolutely love that about them. They are so involved. I specifically asked for a family that would be involved, and be AS involved as they wanted to be. I love hands-on experience. It definitely makes for a more personal experience. So speaking of reading about other stories, I've also read about some birth plans, and I have to say, I really hope there isn't an emergency where my IPs can't be there and they can get exactly what they as wishing for. But that is for more of a future thought. Nothing to be thinking about now.

I've noticed these hormones starting to get the best of me at times. One thing I can say I don't miss about pregnancy. With my first, I was pregnant with my sister and we lived together. You can only imagine how hormonal our home was haha But having her there with me was an amazing experience. I specifically remember I had cried over slurped spaghetti and she had cried over a loud motorcycle driving by that interrupted her talking. We lived by the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. We would constantly ask each other questions about milestones such as "did you feel baby move yet" or "How's that heartburn going?". We had and still do have an amazing realtionship and even though we live quite a distance away, we still are up each other's butts with questions and stories and looking back at memories... and I wouldn't have it any other way...

So there I go rambling on and on about something not entirely related again... or maybe I can turn this INTO something related... hmmmm

So just how I had my sister asking me questions (since I was 2 months ahead of her), I'm hoping maybe my IM will be as open and comfortable with asking me as many questions as she would like to be answered. Since this is our first surrogacy experience together, I'm hoping it's a huge learning and joyous ride for us both. I'm excited to see what new things will happen and the differences from my own pregnancies, if any. Such a thrilling thought.... can't wait.

Non Pregnancy Cravings

So today was completely crazy. But beside it all, I had an amazing peace about everything. The dark hair idea is sinking in. The damage is already done, so to speak.

I had some issues with some more hiccups I'm the road again. Waiting for some calls tomorrow.

On another note, the prescription toothpaste I've waited 4 days to come in at the pharmacy...didn't. Tried to go to another pharmacy and was told they wouldn't be able to order it either. After feeling completely hopeless, my lovely dentist locates a pharmacy that has it and I will have it tomorrow. Yippee! Can't wait to get in the right direction with this sensitivity before the pregnancy and having the baby/babies taking all my nutrients from my teeth and hurting it more. Looking forward and thinking positive for the future.

So today I had a huge craving. No pregnancy yet and I'm getting cravings. I badly wanted blueberries. I bought some blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries. It was a lovely mix and it did wonderful a to satisfy that craving. I hope my future baby cravings are as healthy

"It Doesn't Matter if You're Black or White..."

...hair! Get it? Haha yes Michael Jackson seemed completely appropriate when referencing to a change in color. His words are always so wise... But that's a bit off topic. Yesterday I had a very emotional and hormonal day where I cried and was sad most of the day. I finally find a color I like and feel suits me an makes me feel happy, beautiful, and all around complete, and then I need to go back to basics. Seems my IPs are not ok with hair dye because of the toxic chemicals and I am completely understanding their view on that. The docs say it is safe to do after 1st trimester but they are not willing to risk anything and I completely respect that. I've also witnessed docs say that narcotics are safe during pregnancy but only by default that there is not enough research to say that it is in fact harmful... So with that said... Doc doesn't always know best. So I did some research on some all natural, all herbal hair coloring products that use henna, roots, extracts, and one even contained coffee powder (this one specific brand I looked into). I thought it was a great suggestion and alternative and compromise and since it isn't toxic chemicals, there wouldn't be harmful fumes to be breathing in and it's all good things. Nope. That's a no go either.... SOOOOOOOO I had no choice but to change my color. I'm not exactly thrilled but I completely understand the outcome. I'm just not sure I can be happy like this. It's only the day after so I will have to have time to feel better about it. I'm already feeling slightly better than yesterday so I'm hopeful that the acceptance and happiness will slowly creep it's way back into my days. I just need to remember that the outcome will be such a wonderful blessing to them in the end and need to keep that in mind. 2 people have posted things yesterday that I'm going to share with you. Not knowing my struggles yesterday, they were such a blessing to me. Definitely God's work if you ask me. So the first one was from a lovely lady I know on Instagram that is also cycling close to me with her treatments. It says "never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about." Such truth. Ever since I have met my wonderful IPs, there has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of them and their baby/babies. I think and hope and pray for them. I really would love for God to use me to help them make their family a little more complete. If it is not His will to happen with my IPs, if something should occur, then it's His will and who am I to argue and be mad. He may have bigger plans for them. But I'm praying to does work with them. We generally get along so well and have a great deal in common, so it seems like a good match. Anyhow... I'm straying off again... The second thing posted was a friend of mine on Facebook. She posted a fortune cookie paper that read "do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest." We had a couple hiccups in the very beginning process and it has gotten better. We are still in the beginning, so I have faith that once the stress is slowing down, it will be a bit easier.

CONTRACT-ual

Yes oh yes. I caught glimpse of the contract finally. It was SUPPOSED to have the ammendments added, but of course does not. AND IT'S FRIDAY! I need to wait ALL LONG WEEKEND before I can call on monday to try to situate things. My IM is so completely understanding and I love her to pieces. I was texting her as I was reading to ask her questions. I love how no matter how much I text her, she seems to feel I'm never a bother... even after 11 pm lol. LOVE THAT WOMAN :) So yes... back on topic... contract! Most all looks great except our specialties are not added in there and I may need to be asking to do some slight ammending myself on just ONE thing. It's not even a huge deal to most, but it makes a HUGE difference to me so I'm needing to speak with my representing attorney about that but yet again... IT'S FRIDAY! It's going to bug me ALL weekend I'm SURE if it! So when I spoke with one of the ladies at the office, she did say that the copy of the contract she sent me may not include the ammendments while they are waiting for the ammendments that need to be added. So either they have not gotten them, or they just haven't added them yet. I would just hate to prolong this even more. WHY WEEKEND WHHHHHHHHHY DO YOU NEED TO REAR YOUR UGLY HEAD AND GET IN MY WAY!?!

Suppression Check... CHECK!

Yesterday's suppression check went well. I had a call with blood work results before I even got home! And of course they told me right then and there about the ultra sound. I absolutely love all the staff there. My RE isn't a "know-it-all" or arrogant doctor even though he's been practicing for over 30 years. My IVF nurse is super positive and always has a smile on her face. It's just such a pleasant place to be. I really can't even wait until my next appointment on the 28th.

I'm still on the same dosage of Lupron. And have now added estrogen. A super convenient sticker-like patch that goes below my belly button. My IVF nurse even mentioned writing the day I put it on, on the patch so I remember when to change it. She even tried to calm my fears about the progesterone by telling me to numb the area with ice packs first and I won't feel a thing. I'm not sure I WON'T be feeling all 1 1/2 inches on the needle that goes into the muscle, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

So after my blood work, I was given some gauze and a brandade. Right after I was brought the the ultra sound room and as I walked in the room my IVF nurse says "oh looks like you've lost your clot. Let me clean that up for you". I look down and my gauze is drenched and blood is dripping down my arm. Good old baby aspirin. Guess you can tell I'm taking my meds :)

I'm still waiting on those final touches from the contract to get done. We were supposed to be done by Dec 30 when I started lupron. But then things needed to be changed. My IM wanted to add some things in the contract that we spoke about. So as far as I know we are waiting on her attorney to get all the final changes into the contract so I can do the final review. I'm the type of person that likes all my ducks in a row and I consider early to be on time, on time to be late and late to be unacceptable. So this whole this is really bothering me but I'm trying to keep my patience and cool about it all.

Anyway.... My IM and I are so excited about the transfer coming up so quickly. Not quick enough, if you ask me (...and her) haha. 24 more days until we do our transfer (if there are no hold-ups). Yes I am counting down...! This is so exciting!

Lovely Lupron

I spoke with the RE office (well technically my IVF nurse) yesterday. She is so great! She was just checking on me, even though she has already sent me a schedule of my meds, to make sure I'm on track with stopping and starting meds and making sure I don't have any questions.

Speaking of meds, the lupron... Yeah, that stuff. This past week or so I've been pressing the needle up against my belly and saying my "1, 2, 3... ENTER NAME HERE" but just decided that I was going to try the "just doing it" approach. Let me tell you... Way less anxiety and I literally felt nothing! I just did a quick jab and it was done. Completely painless. As opposed to feeling a small pinch the slow way. I'm definitely remembering this for my progesterone. JUST DO IT!

And also on the lupron note, I spoke too soon about so far not having unpleasant side effects. All day and all night yesterday I had hot flashes and there's just about no relief in the south, even in Jan. boy oh boy I hope today is a better day

New Year...New Beginnings

Today is Jan 6th! 1 whole successful week on the Lupron and first day off of the birth control pills. I have my suppression check this upcoming week. I'm having no seriously bothersome sound effects which is amazing! I'm feeling great and I can't wait for my next step. I'm on to starting my estrogen in later on this week! This month sure is going to fly by and I can't wait to see my IPs again!

I have no apprehension so far about this month. I'm really excited about our transfer coming up! I'm hoping we can find a really healthy embryo and have success the first time. I think the only thing I have a little anxiety about would be the notorious progesterone shots. I haven't heard anything good about them yet.... SOOOOOOO.... here's to hoping to don't pass out on my volunteer needle givers haha I'm feeling sorry for them already and it's not even coming up too soon yet.

Keep on Keeping on...

We just got back from travels from the holidays and I'm pooped, and sick, and sore. But I'm super excited because January is a busy month of schedules for me. I've already started my Lupron and in a little over a week's time I will be starting my estrogen. Two doctor's appointments with the RE this month as well before we do our transfer. Just thinking about it gets me all excited. I honestly am so gitty. I just know I won't be able to contain myself after the transfer, waiting for results. But for now, I'm just thinking of passing the time and keeping myself busy. It will be here before we know it! :)