When There is a Desire...

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. There have been a few reasons for this. But I apologize to anyone that reads that has been wondering what was going on.

As I mentioned in my last post, we got some bad news on Saturday (almost 2 weeks ago) that the embryos didn't make it. And today would have been the day i went in for my BETA. We have all been saddened and heart broken by this news. My IPs are at a disagreement at this time. One of the is so distraught that they don't want to endure that again, while the other wants to try at least once more soon. If both can get on the same page soon, I will know where I'm going but for now I will be in limbo waiting to hear from them. I know it is not an easy decision and definitely not one that needs to be rushed. If they choose to try again, I will gladly try again, however, if they decide that one more try is not what they wish to do, I will be sad they gave up so close to their dream, but respect their decision.

These past almost 2 weeks have gotten through with kind words from C and P (2 lovely ladies from my fertility family). One rooting me on and the other reminding me that it happens and it will all be ok in the end, and that this should be a time to "pamper" myself. I have to constantly remind myself that if they choose for this to be the end of their journey, it most certainly isn't the end of mine. I will move on to helping another family become complete. Pink's "Try" lyrics keep playing over and over in my head... "Where there is a desire, there's gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try, and try, and try..."

Mourning

I have been keeping myself busy hoping to pass the time so the transfer date could come sooner. Well I just got an upsetting phone call from my ivf nurse maybe an hour ago with the news. All them embryos didn't make it and the transfer was cancelled. I'm deeply saddened for my IPs. I haven't spoken with them yet. Not to be confused with me not caring...I want to how them time to mourn and heal before making a decision on moving forward and I feel talking about it too soon may only make those wounds just a little deeper and hurt just a little more. This horrible news has had me in tears and I'm just ready to go to bed and hope this is all an awful dream I will wake up from. I hope this doesn't knock them down and burry their home and dreams of completing their family. I'm still there for them no matter how many tries it takes. I just want to say, if you're out there and maybe are reading this, I love you guys so much and I am here for you. Keep your heads up.

Dates and Tests

I got the call today with definite dates! Egg retrieval shall for sure be on Thursday! And looks like my Tuesday is going to be a super busy day. I have my daughter's eye doctor appointment at 8:30. And after I drop her off at school I head to my awesome RE office for our transfer!!! This is all so exciting! I better get my tests lined up and ready (yes...All 15 I couldn't help but buy early and I'm so glad I did). My surro friends say they have seen results on home tests 4-7 days after their 5 day transfer. So looks like ill be starting on the 3rd day to hopefully see progression. Fingers crossed for a big fat positive to surprise my wonderful IPs with

Estrogen Check... Check

Today I had my Estrogen check appointment. First off, I just want to say that I absolutely love my RE doctor. He is so sweet and personable. So when he walked into the room where I'm sitting on the exam table waiting for my TV ultrasound, he comes in, completely positive and in his usual good mood and says "lets check out the condo". Haha Gosh I love this guy. So now my uterus is now a condo. Awesome. I love it. Anyway, We have good news. My estrogen is at 512 and my lining is measuring in at a lovely 12.36 mm. Egg retrieval should be on Friday which means I will be lowering my estrogen patches to 2 from the current 4 and I will be stopping my lupron and starting my progesterone. Yippee. I'm excited its moving quick (not too much for the progesterone shots though). If we have retrieval on Friday, our transfer will be on next Wednesday! It's a little later than originally expected but I'd rather them take a little longer to develop than to rush for a deadline. So grow little follies, grow!

On a more personal note, on to how I FEEL. I've only really talked about seeing today through my eyes like Being John Malkovich. So here it is. I'm exhausted today. My days where I visit my most amazing RE and his wonderful team, I drive about 4 hours each way (total of 8 hours driving). And today I'm feeling very bloated. I feel as though I look pregnant when I'm not. I usually feel this way before my cycle starts, so I guess that part isn't too far off, except I feel slightly more bloated than usual. It may be a side effect to this lovely estrogen.

End of January Update

Things are falling lovily into place (yes I just made that word up and I really like it and may use it in the future). We have our estrogen check in 3 whole days! Where they will check my blood for my estrogen levels and another IV ultrasound, which I'm guessing will be checking my lining. Pretty sweet. I hear the meds are going well for the egg retrieval. Which is more amazing news. The retrieval will be after my estrogen check and if all goes to according to plan, our transfer will be on February 4th... Only 11 more days! Almost in the single digits for the count down!!

Ok so on another note I want to share how awesome my kids are for a second. My girls are 4 and 6 and they are well aware mommy is going to hold onto our IPs' baby and let him grow inside me and give him back. And even though they are a little sad we won't get to keep a baby, they understand our IPs want their baby back. So my 4 year old asks me this morning when I'm going to swallow their baby and asked me to please not chew because it could hurt the baby. And my 6 year old asks if she can stay in the hospital with me when I "poop" their baby out. Gosh I just love their innocence and sweetness. I think that's all I am sharing today

Transfer is Creeping Closer and Closer

Tomorrow I up my dose of Estrogen one last time to 4 patches before the transfer... which by the way is only 13 days away!! Last day of the "teens" countdown, and LESS than 2 weeks!! These past few weeks of having to tie up details has seemed to drag, but it seems like we are in the home stretch now. I really can't even begin to describe in words how thrilled I am. I'm hoping if our one embie sticks! Ok so since thrilled doesn't even begin to touch my enthusiasm, let me tell you... I went out and bought home pregnancy test (10 of them by the way) back in NOVEMBER! And then bought 5 more yesterday! haha yes... a bit excited to say the least! Not to mention I'm getting my maternity clothes lined up and ready to go... washed... folded... placed out in an easy to access place. I know I will not be using those for even MONTHS after the tests, but this is how excited I am. My IPs are SO ready to do this. It's just the waiting game. I don't play this game very well. I find more things to do when I have to wait. Like purchase another maternity clothing item, or another test, maybe some breast milk storage bags, maybe a maternity support belt, a new pump... (and yes all of which I have already purchased during this waiting game). If this doesn't show my enthusiasm, then I don't know what will. There's nothing wrong with being prepared right...?

So I've mentioned before I've met some lovely ladies that are cycling near me. I joined a support group in which I THOUGHT would have been where I found some cycle buddies, and maybe even some close to me. I have and there is this one (I'll call her P) that is really great and supportive and is a little ahead of me at this point. I've also met some other cycle buddies through InstaGram... Not exactly where I thought I'd meet such great ladies, but I heart them. I met some other surros/gestational carriers and some IMs themselves. This is such a wonderful moment in our lives and we are all going through it together, even though each of us has a slightly different story or experience. Even if they are just sharing their story to be able to vent it out to feel like they don't have to bottle up their joy or frustrations or dosappointments, I still love hearing about each and every one of them. As I told one earlier, we all can use more cheerleaders than debbie downers right now. This is such a complex event in all of our lives, yet it is so delicate and emotional. I get so excited to hear about progress with them, and so upset to hear bad news as well. I feel as though, in some way they are sort of like a branch of family. We will call them my "fertility family", not just my "surro sisters" because some of these lovely women do not need surros, some of them do need a surro, and some of them are surros themselves. I never thought I would feel this way about strangers, and maybe it's the hormones talking but I love this "fertility family" that is ever growing and changing. What an amazing unexpected support group of wonderful women that I have in my life. LOVE YOU ALL... you know who you are if you're reading this... PS I won't leave out my spectacular family and friends that have been amazing from day one with being supportive and interested in our journey.

So back to my journey for a second, 13 more days!!!! AHHH! And I'm sure I will be taking a test every day after transfer! EEKS! Can't wait... ok so I can wait for the intramuscular shots, but when that time comes, I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up because the end result will be entirely worth every second!

Hormones, Why Yes I Do Remember You!

Today we upped my Estrogen. I'm on a simple patch and I love it. It's a little sticker called the Vivelle Dot and you put it below your belly button, but above the pubic area, and switch it out every other day. Now if all meds could be this simple... haha

18 more days until our transfer! I can't believe the countdown is now in the teens! I'm so excited and hopeful that baby will stick. I'm also very anxious about taking tests. I have been reading stories of other surrogates and how they delivered the good news. I know my IPs are very realistic, so faint positives will be fantastic, while they won't put all their eggs in one basket until we see a dark, very BIG FAT positive. And I absolutely love that about them. They are so involved. I specifically asked for a family that would be involved, and be AS involved as they wanted to be. I love hands-on experience. It definitely makes for a more personal experience. So speaking of reading about other stories, I've also read about some birth plans, and I have to say, I really hope there isn't an emergency where my IPs can't be there and they can get exactly what they as wishing for. But that is for more of a future thought. Nothing to be thinking about now.

I've noticed these hormones starting to get the best of me at times. One thing I can say I don't miss about pregnancy. With my first, I was pregnant with my sister and we lived together. You can only imagine how hormonal our home was haha But having her there with me was an amazing experience. I specifically remember I had cried over slurped spaghetti and she had cried over a loud motorcycle driving by that interrupted her talking. We lived by the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book. We would constantly ask each other questions about milestones such as "did you feel baby move yet" or "How's that heartburn going?". We had and still do have an amazing realtionship and even though we live quite a distance away, we still are up each other's butts with questions and stories and looking back at memories... and I wouldn't have it any other way...

So there I go rambling on and on about something not entirely related again... or maybe I can turn this INTO something related... hmmmm

So just how I had my sister asking me questions (since I was 2 months ahead of her), I'm hoping maybe my IM will be as open and comfortable with asking me as many questions as she would like to be answered. Since this is our first surrogacy experience together, I'm hoping it's a huge learning and joyous ride for us both. I'm excited to see what new things will happen and the differences from my own pregnancies, if any. Such a thrilling thought.... can't wait.