Out with 2013 and In with 2014

In 2013 we found out we for sure had a blighted ovum. We waited until the first week of 2014 to make sure. Meds were stopped on a Friday, bleeding began on Saturday, the next day, and only lasted about a week. 5 days after bleeding started, beta went down to the 500s. 1 week after that, beta is down to a 59 and spotting  and cramps have peeked their ugly head today. Since I'm now low enough in my beta, it may not be my period, but if it is, that will be awesome timing to sync cycles with IM. We are looking at a March transfer if all goes to plan...

BETA After BETA with 2 Ultrasounds on the Side

As in my last post we got the surprise of a first BETA that was 25! My second jumped to a 112. My RE was expecting to see about a 50, so that was exciting! At that point I still was in shock and denial that I was even pregnant. Around came BETA 3 with a 202. Not too bad... it just about doubled.  Then 456 in just over doubling... "Maybe I'm pregnant after all," I'm thinking. BETA number 5 was at a 996. This is where their concern came in. At that point they were expecting to see at least a 2000. That voice in the back of my head is freaking out... "Is there something wrong?" Then the final BETA of 1764... still not even doubled from the previous. My nerves are on edge right now.

4 days after that last BETA was the first ultrasound. Right about then, according to the transfer date, I should have been about 6 1/2 weeks. The ultrasound showed 1 embryonic sac measuring 5 weeks 5 days. Doctor seemed concerned I was measuring so far being. The yolk was barely measurable since it wasn't very definitive and a baby wasn't visible enough to get a crown to rump measurement.

4 days later (yesterday) we went back again for another ultrasound to see if there was any progress at all. At this point I should have been a couple days past my 7 week. There should definitely be a heartbeat, even if it was a faint one, a heartbeat would be good to hear. This is what we saw...

The same 1 embryonic sac measuring now 5 weeks 4 days, still a not very definitive yolk sac and still no baby measurement. RE stated at this point, there shiuld be a 1/2 inch baby that should be easy to find and measure and with a heartbeat. We came up woth the same issues. Couldn't measure a baby and still no heartbeat. Right as the doctor left the room, my IM and I held each other for a good while sobbing.

Before we left, I got another BETA just to see where the numbers were. Now mind you, this is over a week since my last BETA, so I should be well above 10,000 ... my BETA was 2714. Again not even doubled from over a week ago.

If it had been lower than my number a week ago, my IPs would have felt it would be best to follow doctor's orders in stopping support (PIO) and allowing me to pass this pregnancy naturally without a d&c needed. Since the number is still higher they are asking me to continue support until after the holidays to keep the pregnancy sustained in hopes to have that glimmer of a hope and miracle to possibly happen. My next ultrasound will be January 3rd. 2 weeks will be a long enough time to for sure either see progress or not.

BETA #1

I've been taking hpt since the day of the tramsfer so I could see the positive the moment it appeared. By day 9, I had given up hope. All my results were negative up until that point. Learning that 3 different surrogates that went through a 3 day embryo transfer, had gotten their positives 5.5 (triplets), 7.5, and 8.5 days after their transfer, was my reasoning in why I had given up hope. Tuesday was BETA day. I had gone into the lab at 6:30n and then later called my IVF nurse to let her know I was expecting a negative result and to prepare to break bad news again to my IPs. Around 12:30 I got a call from my nurse saying it was positive! It is only a 25, but it's still pregnant! Right after that call (and the many others that followed), I went into the vathroom to take a digital first response so I could send a pic to my IPs and saying congrats, only for it to result in a big fat "NO -"... "FU," I thought, and threw it in the trash. I mustered up some more pee for one last attempt with a regular 2 pink line first response. The line was so faint that it wouldn't show up on a picture... way to ruin my plans... either way I'm excited and still a bit in shock that it was positive after I was so set on it being a failed cycle! Hoping and praying my numbers keep going up the way they are supposed to :)

Long Time No See...

Hello everyone! Wow it's been quite some time huh?

Since my last post, our transfer turned out to be a failed cycle. We had some complications.  Our of the 7 embryos only 3 made it to transfer day after the thaw, in which we transferred 2, one being a blastocyst.

We had 2 months of BCP before starting our next cycle. This cycle is a fresh one! IM was a bit discouraged this time, but we both keep in mind that the "third times a charm". This is her third egg retrieval and my third cycle. At first they only found 3 follicles so that was another basis for her discouragement. 3 grew to 5, which then grew to 7, which then grew to more! There were a total of 7 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 4 fertilized. 1 stopped growing so we only had 3 left to work with by day 3.

Our RE stresses the importance of blastocysts and 5 day transfers and no more than 2 embryos on transfer and all that jazz. That's just how they roll. They wanted to go out of their protocol. Since he has been doing this for over 30 years, I trust his judgement. He said he just has a gut feeling and just knows when going out of protocol is what may work for his patients. With my IPs history of their embryos not enjoying the petri dish, he wanted to go with a 3 day transfer, letting them feel comfy in their surroundings as to encourage them to keep growing.

Another break of protocol he was very confident about was transfering all 3 instead of 2. He confessed he normally discourages it highly,  and he had not transferred 3 in many years. He felt the 2 8-celled (assisted hatched) and 1 7-celled (not assisted hatched) would result in a strong singelton or at very most twins (their preference). Again, this is not something I'd advise normally, but at the moment I felt as though it may be the right thing. So if anyone has any negative comments about my going along with 3 embryos, please do not waste your breath or time typing it up. I talked with my IPs as well with my husband and we were all in sync with thoughts and feelings, and honestly that's all that matters.

Right now we are 4 days into our 2ww. I've tested every single day since the transfer, including ON transfer day lol I'm well aware the test will show up negative no matter what the actual result is, but I want to have a comparison like last time, even though last time was all negatives. It is November 19th, only 7 more days until our BETA. It's scheduled for November 26th (2 days before thanksgiving! )... wouldn't it be great to give my IPs something to be thankful for on thanksgiving?

On another note, I'm extremely weary. I was to be excited, but don't want to be set up for disappointment again if this is another failed cycle.

Transfer Day!

It's finally here! I can't believe it! It felt like it would never come! After making the long trek to the office, we finally invited 2 beautiful embies into their new condo. IM doesn't want mw to share thw at home test results because she is worried about maybe false positives or negatives. So I will be keeping it to myself :) But so excited! I can't believe our first Beta is in only 8 days! Yikes! I hope I can keep my mind busy so I dont go crazy. Looks like lots of crafys and sewing in this next week for me :D

So today I wore a pair of my lucky socks that a friend Christina gave me for my appointment. Last week those lucky socks showed a 12.67mm lining. Finger crossed for my wonderful IPs and their little miracle

5 More Days

Yesterday was the estrogen and lining check. My estrogen level was at 527 so I got to bump my vivelle patches down from 4 to 2. Yipee!

On another note, I started those dreadful PIO shots which weren't too bad. They looks worse than they really are :)

Annnnnnnnd..... FIVE MORE DAYS UNTIL TRANSFER! We will be transferring 2 5 dayers! Super excited!

Suppressed!

Moving Along Nicely

Wow I've been slacking big time! So here's all that I've forgotten to mention in the past weeks: contracts are done, BCP isstarted and finished, and Lupron has been started.

My last BCP was this past Saturday (2 days ago), so I'm just waiting for good old AF to show up again so we can have a date with the lovely TV ultrasound wand for the suppression check. :/ IM is excited and wants to join this appointment and have lunch afterward. I can't wait to see her again.

Uncontracted and Contracted!

We just received our official release from the old contract. We signed it, got it notarized, and overnighted it back to the attorney! The old IPs need to now sign and notarize it. Once they do that, I will be UNCONTRACTED with them, and the attorney will start drafting up a new contract with the new IPs. I won't be uncontracted for long...!!! YAY! New IM is super excited to order meds! I can't believe in just a couple months, we will be right where I left off! It seems like forever, but I think we found our perfect match and this will be so great! NEW CONTRACTS HERE WE COME!

Unofficial Schedule

It's unofficial, but its a guideline and that's good enough to get me hyped! I spoke with my lovely IVF nurse today. I'm going to be working with that awesome RE office that I love so much, which means my beloved IVF nurse Amy is now (again) my new BFF. Haha. She says we will be starting a new BCP around the end if June. A few weeks later I should start Lupron. We are aiming for a mid-August transfer. I'm excited!!! Although I was secretly hopeful for July, I supposed one more month isn't going to kill us :) So here we go.... Next step, psych.

In the Flesh

We finally had our face-to face today. I brought along my whole family (kids and hubby) so they could get to know them a little and see who they are really dealing with as a whole. My kids took to them well, except the crabby boy... nap time and this meeting were butting heads and he was a little on the tired side. But the good news is that he slept on the way home.

I went to bed last night feeling a little sick, and woke up with a stiff neck, sore throat, and aching back. I thought that would affect me, but I had such a wonderful time with them that at times I barely felt it.

So it's official... they want to "knock me up"... GOSH I JUST LOVE THEIR PERSONALITIES!

Maybe Meeting My Future!

What an eventful weekend and upcoming week for me!

Friday, I was called by the attorney's office telling me to expect some calls this weekend from potential new IPs!

First thing Saturday, I got call from IM #1, I'll call her M. It was a brief introduction with a Skype later on. We agree on a lot, so that's a good start. The situation with M, caught me a little off guard. After talking with women in my support group, I feel a little better about it. M and her husband have chosen to go with 2 surros to get the 2 baby (almost like twins, but not really), without the health risks to surro or babies that a multiple pregnancy could have. I haven't decided yet whether being a "sister surro" is a good or bad thing. It's definitely interesting, that's for sure.

Sunday (today), I waited all day for a call from IM #2, I'll call her L. It started getting late, when I started thinking, "Maybe they found a surro they know 100% they want to go with and changed their mind about me", "Maybe they just were busy", "Maybe they forgot", "Maybe they decided not to go a surro route, and changed their mind"... After talking to my fellow surro P about it, she calmed my nerves. Then, suddenly, my phone rings! We did a quick introduction. They were busy and wanted to make sure to call me but wanted to set up a face-to-face meeting, which we will do Wednesday. I don't want to say too much just yet or ask too many questions because one will lead to another, then we will have nothing do talk about on Wed.

So, we are getting somewhere. I'm so excited to be meeting these two wonderful families, learning about their unique stories, and thinking about possibly being a part of their amazing journey. Hurry up Wednesday, so I can officially get to meeting L and her husband!

What a Special Week... NIAW

This is the very first day is a week that is one of the few things I hold dear to my heart. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). This is to all you wonderful women out there. I have met so many of you great ladies. There are so many reasons out there for couples to experience the heartbreak of infertility.

Imagine yourself in your childhood.... And that ONE thing you always dreamed you would do or become when you grew up, was one day told to you may not be possible. How would you feel seeing everyone around you achieving YOUR dream effortlessly, taking it for granted, complaining about it as though it was a curse? Next time, before you open your mouth, think about how YOU would feel?

I may have explained this in one of my first blog entries. I was one of those children that just wanted to be a mom when I got older, so the thought of this not happening in my future, hurt me so deep inside. I had friends having abortions all around me when I was in high school. During this time, I had one of those type of people that doesn't think before he talks, as a Gyno. I had some questions and was hoping I could confide in him to give me some medical answers. Not that I wanted to be a teen mother, but after a first "oops", then a second, and third.... you get the point... I still was not pregnant. I felt maybe there could be something wrong. His reply wasn't what any other doctor had said years later down the road ("Maybe your body just wasn't ready or mature enough at that point" or "Maybe the 'oops moments' weren't at the right timing during ovulation"). Instead, I heard from him, "You probably just can't have kids." Those words crushed me. They kept echoing in my head. Not just the words but the nonchalant way they were said. At that moment, I was walking in those shoes, the same shoes thousands of women walk in daily. And this is one of the main reasons I have chosen to become a surrogate, among many. 

And while I'm heading in this direction, here's to hoping my release will be signed by Monday as anticipated, so I can get to meet a new couple! And what great timing... what better week to meet someone new?

Here is a blog I follow regularly. A woman named Christa, and her wonderful blog entry on this special week. It's very informative. I hope you will check it out. It may help some get a better glimpse from the other side.
http://rollercoasterridetoparenthood.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-face-of-infertility.html?showComment=1366586194518#c4088891849739925878

Just a little bit more.... WAITING!

LOVE LOVE LOVE the waiting game. Have I ever mentioned that I am NOT a very patient person to begin with... THIS IS KILLING ME!!!

I just got off the phone with the attorney. She STILL (after 2 weeks) has not heard from the (in the legal process of...) "Former" IP's attorney. She had sent over a small little formal release that she typed 2 weeks ago and emailed to their attorney. All he had to do was read the small paragraph and tell them to sign it. I can't officially MOVE ON to another couple without it, even though we have a verbal and written statements releasing me from my contract. Boy, oh boy.

On the positive side, I did talk to her a little about some things. Reminding her that every day that passes of me waiting, feels like a whole week. These 9+ weeks of waiting has felt like an eternity!

Changing the subject just a little, I'm super thrilled to meet new IPs! I really can't wait to get moving again in the process. And my attorney says she can't wait to introduce me to a family that is perfect for me.... again.... THRILLED! **To my future IPs, I can't wait to meet you!!! EEKS!**

And now I'm changing the subject once more to something completely un-related... I'm also really excited to be part of a lucky socks package exchange. I started shopping immediately after I got my email. This is for women trying to conceive. Although, I will be conceiving for someone else and in a couple months, I was just happy to be able to send another woman a package to encourage, empower, and lift her spirits. So this exchange came at a perfect time. I know, I know, if Chelsea (the coordinator) found this out she may yell at me haha, buuuuuuuut I used eBay Bucks along with PayPal money I earned and didn't count it toward the $20 I'm supposed to spend on the package... OOPS... actually NOT oops... I was just excited and there was more and more stuff I wanted to put in there so I limited it to the essentials (which I'm guessing cost maybe twice as much as what I'm supposed to spend). I just had to get that off my chest... BOY that felt amazing! Now SHHH don't say anything, that's our secret!

Little Itsy Bitsy Steps

Boy, oh boy. Here I am in my journey, waiting for my almost FIPs to sign the release that was drafted and sent to their attorney last week. Even though we have gotten a verbal and a written, my attorney would like to have this specific paper signed, notarized, and in her hands before introducing me to new IPs. My guess is that it will be signed by Wednesday or Thursday and I will get the attorney's confirmation call on Friday. I still really am just sitting around playing the waiting game still. It's been a waiting game for over 8 weeks now. This has really tested me and hopefully improved my impatience. I'm really thrilled to meet new potential IPs. I've gotten a brief description over the phone last week, and I just can't wait to meet them. I have my questions modified and typed up and ready to go. So really, no progress from my last blog entry, but some slight new news. I just hate the fact that I think about it every day and it makes my days seem to drag. I've been working on a monster blanket for one of my fertility family members. She isn't choosing to find out the sex but has decided to have a monster themed nursery. I've been trying to pace myself so I don't finish it in a week, and to keep my mind occupied. I've also been making nursing covers, bows, and some other things.

The Release

I spoke with my attorney this morning and I am officially legally released of my contract. It has been over SEVEN weeks since the cancelled transfer. I was sad by the news but I sort of knew in my heart that would be the outcome. So this week I have the task of meeting 2 new sets of IPs this week. From their brief description, I'm thrilled to meet both, and I'm hoping that there is a connection with one of them. This will be very tough if there is a connection with both... But my excitement is back and I'm so eager to begin again

Milestone 6 Months

It's pretty amazing that just over 6 months ago I was calling my adoption/surrogacy attorney's office for the first time. The time seemed to be going by so slow, but it's been 6 months... HALF A YEAR ALREADY!! My days seem to be going by slowly still, but I have taken on the challenge or making something pretty cute for a lady in my Fertility Family. I'm waiting for the rest of the starting supplies to come in the mail. It's a super exciting project for me and for sure will keep me busy.

It's been a week since I last talked to someone at the attorney's office. I was hoping to have a call by today but no such luck. I think I will wait until Friday before I call them. It seems like every time I call, I'm thinking "just another week", "it won't be too much longer", "they have to be close to knowing what they want to do by now".... only to get the "no news" card. I'm at the point of sort of feeling defeated. I was so optimistic and happy and so beyond ready for each and every next step (minus that dreadful PIO needle that I quickly learned wasn't too bad once I iced the area and warmed the PIO needle first). But at this point, I'm losing steam. I'm hoping that by keeping busy I will unexpectedly get a call with some sort of news. I guess we will just need to see what is in store for me on Friday when I make yet another call to the attorney's office to get more info on where we are at.

This week marks 5 whole weeks of no contact at all from IM. Seems to me that a decision has been made already.... just an observation....

No News is Good News... Right...?

I called the attorney today to see if they had found out any word since it has been about a month of no word or decision from my IPs. They said they have heard from them. They had some personal issues they needed to get past first and haven't much discussed it because of it. So basically... no news. But that's can't be ALL bad right? No news is good news... right? It's just killing me waiting, on the edge of my seat, hoping every day that goes by, I may have that call from the attorney, the RE office, or even my IPs themselves with a decision. A lot of women in my Fertility Family are at the point of taking at home tests and getting their BETAs and ultrasounds. It saddens me a bit to feel like at this point, I would have already had my BETAs and we should be going to our first ultrasounds around now-ish. I'm extremely happy for everyone that is progressing in their journeys, I'm just a little down that right at the last possible second, our journey had been called off and now a month later, I'm left hanging here not knowing at all what our future in this journey will be. I'm rooting for my IF and his desire to continue, and empathize with all the heartache my IM is feeling. I just deep down feel as though, they have detached themselves from me emotionally this past month since I have not heard a word at all, and that is completely not usual for us. My attorney says not to text them and to let them come around when they feel comfortable, but this past month has been killing me. I've been aching to at least send a text their way to let them know they are in my thoughts. I guess only time will tell. I will try to keep myself busy in the meantime to help the time pass a little quicker. It's been excruciatingly slow, like watching paint dry. But no news can be good news... right???

3 Week Update

It's been exactly 3 weeks from the date of the bad news. I don't have much of an update. I still haven't heard from my IPs, my IVF nurse, or my attorney with any new informations. As of right now, all I know of is that my IPs are still trying to come to an agreement on trying again or not. I'm still hoping to hear from them. Each and every day that passes, each and every time my phone rings, I hope and pray they have made a decision and are at peace with the decision they came up with.

Hope

I guess things happen for a reason. I'm so glad I didn't have to be sick and pregnant for today. I've been trying to remain positive today since it is the 2 year anniversary of the day one of my sweet, talented, hilarious, amazing best friends lost her battle with leukemia and earned her angel wings. Seeing the posts on her Facebook of others saying they miss her and me going through old photos of her or photos she took (photography was her passion), I can't help but be overwhelmed with tears. I remember her telling me when she was pregnant with her 3rd baby and her husband and her goofing about how they were going to have 10 babies. She was one of the most amazing mothers I have ever met. This is to you my sweet angel who never gave up hope while fighting cancer and holding on to hope of beating it and holding her precious baby... And to other amazing mothers, moms-to-be, fur baby moms, step-moms, aspiring moms... Don't ever give up hope. And just because things don't turn out how you planned, doesn't mean your journey or story didn't touch someone's life, or that it was in vain. Just as some of you may not have things go exactly as planned, God still has a plan for you. Just like our friend Cynthia. She planned on beating cancer, holding her baby Deklin, and being with her family in her happily ever after. She does hold her baby Deklin, but up in heaven as she smiles and watches down on all her loved ones.